The recent misconduct of two spoiled, self-indulgent film actresses cries out for retribution. Good Americans understand that the first amendment does not entitle anyone to jabber obscenities during a live television broadcast. Indeed, the founding fathers would have nodded sagely had they foreseen the creation of the FCC for the regulation of public speech. But often the FCC is ineffective, and for one simple reason: its teeth are dull, and cannot bite and rend the flesh of arrogant scofflaws.

Hollywood types do not fear monetary impoundments, as they can simply negotiate more deals to create and distribute cinematic filth that will fleece millions of young people hungry for moving images—no matter how vile—on a Saturday night. Nor are they chastened by the popping eyes and quivering jowls of talk-show pundits whose stinging bombast falls upon these whores of Babylon as mere drizzle upon the surging back of Leviathan.

Nay, there is but one method of stopping these blasphemers from repeating their atrocities: extreme physical punishment.

To that end, I herewith propose a schedule of punishments appropriate to the crimes of public verbal indecency:

1. Uttering the s-word (s indicating a vulgar term for feces, stool, or bowel movements): Punishment—hands tied behind back, stripped naked and forced to kneel upon broken glass with head lowered, beaten for thirty minutes upon thighs and buttocks with staves or a knout.
2. Saying the f-word (f indicating the obscene term for sexual intercourse, coitus, and, in certain cases, violation of the rectum by an engorged penis): Punishment—shaving of head, mouth stuffed with feces, ears torn from head, kicked in stomach until unconscious.
3. Appending the name of God to the common profanation, d__n: Punishment—limbs broken upon wheel, left eye gouged out, cross branded upon tongue, banishment to Prince Edward Island.
4. Allowing the c-word to escape one's lips (c indicating a loathsome term for the female genital aperture, through which urine and all humanity must necessarily pass): Punishment—scourging with steel-tipped flails, blinding with hot irons, tongue torn out, hands chopped off, exile to Bismark, North Dakota.
5. Speaking that foulest of phrases, "Jesus F__ing Christ": Punishment—flaying of upper torso and feet, immersion in salt & vinegar bath, teeth pulled out, genitals cut off and thrown to starving dogs while victim watches, roasted alive, ashes tossed into pig pen.

Would it not be satisfying to see Diane Keaton, bald & earless, gagging as she tries to spit out the plug of feces that authorities have rightly pushed down her throat? I am confident that such an image, repeated endlessly on YouTube and other venues, would deter even the most crass stars & starlets from exhibitions of public verbal indecency.

Let our Godly Christian nation implement this plan at once! Note well, candidates for election in 2008. End this plague of potty-mouthed media vixens now!