I want a job and my best friend's brother said you are hiring for a communications assistant. He and I had a thing once, but that's long over and we're just friends now, so don't count that against me, okay? He said it was him, not me.

My job experience is extensive. I have many strong suits, most of which involve the ability to text message five of my closest BFFs in just under 40 seconds. What does this mean for you, my future employer? It means I'm an efficient communicator who can get a clear, concise message out with little or no notice.

My texting skills have also helped me develop my typing skills. I am rather handy with a computer keyboard. People say I look funny typing only with my thumbs, but I say, "Who cares!" if it gets the job done, right?

In the past (but not the future, because I'd be working for you then), I've held many positions of alternately increasing and decreasing responsibility. I worked at Domino's for a while until I recorded myself sticking cheese up my nose and farting on the food and then posting it on YouTube. Totally busted. But, no one died, so no harm, no foul, right?

I was also an intern for FEMA. Under the direction of Michael Brown I made copies and took phone messages. But, one day, I forgot to tell him the head of the National Weather Service called and said the storm was really, really bad and to start sending help. For some reason Brownie (that's what we called him) left the company, so I didn't see much reason to stick around either.

Before that, I was a baby-sitter for Nadya Suleman, ran errands for Bernie Madoff and dog-sat for Michael Vick. All three have agreed to be references. Just let me know if you want their numbers. You can also friend me on Facebook, so you can ask my other FB friends about me. I'm sure all 184 of them would be happy to take a "How well do you know. . . " quiz for you.

My other talents include surfing, applying just the right amount of lip gloss (too much looks gooey) and finding the maximum amount of money I can have on my credit cards without being denied a purchase. A renaissance woman in the making.

As you can see, I am a person of many admirable talents that are pertinent to today's workforce. I look forward to hearing from you soon.

TTYL,
The Nightmare Employee from Teenage Hell
a.k.a. Reality as We Know It

Rebecca Calappi typically writes corporate communications for a large hospital.